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25 January 2006 @ 12:08 am
I can tell that I am loved. He speaks to me in those ways that I recognize. I can observe it from a distance, and yet I know I am still intricately involved in the process, even though essential parts of me are missing.

The bandage was stuck to be so firmly that flesh came off when I ripped it away. Nerves I had--essential nerves--are gone. There are things I cannot feel any more, but I can see them, recognize them, know that they are there.

He describes me in ways I like. They are flattering, but they are not accurate. He told me that I am joyful. No, "full of joy," was what he said, implying brimming over, spilling onto him. He mentioned that his friends have noticed a change in him. He gave me credit: my joy has been infectious.

He described my laugh, said that it is unselfconscious. He said that it drove him crazy to talk to me on the phone, that he heard me laugh, and it made him miss seeing me smile. He told me that I am strong, in a quiet sort of way. He said he knows that I am not someone to be trifled with (and assured me that he never would anyway), but that I am kind, caring, gentle. He tripped over his words, not wanting to offend me with his compliments.

I can hear every time he stops himself from saying "that is the thing that makes me love you the most." He finds other words for it "that's the thing I love... about hanging out with you" or "that's the thing that makes me... like being around you." There are stumbles in what he's saying, and I know what he means. I know that he's earnest. I know what he's saying, even though he knows it's smart not to say it. After all, I'm numb in the places where I should feel those things. It is smart not to say it.

I know what it is that I love most about him: it's the reflection of myself in his eyes. I wonder if that has always been true before, with others, and the tingles that I felt made me not recognize how much my ego was involved. I am sure that, at the time, I justified it as an inspiration to really become that person. But, I know that the place where we realized that I never was that person was where it died its horrible death.

It may be time to tear off the mask. To show him the monster, the devil, the madman beneath, and see if I can love him when I see that reflected in his eyes. Or whether he even allows himself to see that ugliness, if he flees, or if it turns him to stone.
08 January 2006 @ 03:48 pm
There have been so many times in my life where I have felt left behind. I have turned around and things have changed--with my friends, with a lover--while I have not. The time that has passed has not been sufficient to explain what has happened. I don't understand how it is that someone else's feelings can change so suddenly, while I am left standing there, alone, still wrapped up in something useless and expired.

Then, sometimes, I have been the one to change suddenly. I have opened my eyes to suddenly feel completely different. Woken to find feelings that had been strong one day sooner (these have usually been feelings that were torturing me, not good feelings), had melted away into a misty remembrance. Something else has come along to eclipse what came before.
02 January 2006 @ 12:22 am
LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:bodhicea
Your haiku:to get under your
skin but that is not quite true
i think that we want
Created by Grahame
29 December 2005 @ 03:57 pm
Sometimes, when I am feeling favorably disposed towards certain aspects of the past, I tempt myself. I tell myself that it would be OK just to slip back through time to one of those moments where I was happy, to let myself smother in it. I try to concentrate really hard on a good happy memory from the midst of that dark time, and tell myself I can go, I can be in that moment again, let myself enjoy it, love it, live and breathe it again.

That was what I always used to do, then. That was how I survived, that was how I killed myself, living on the memories of the golden moments.

And there were golden moments. If there weren't, there would be no trap, no trick. No lure to bring us in and catch us. If there were no golden moments, then it would leave us just plain crazy for getting drawn in.

I know some people like to pretend they were just deluded, or crazy, or wrong when they have found their way clear of a bad situation. Not I. I like to know what it was, where the siren hid. I want to recognize her song and know why I swayed to the tune. I want to observe those things I loved, so I can separate them out from the hurt and the pain, and allow them to exist by themselves. Pure.

If they can exist on their own, then I can find them again. This time without the side of hurt.

So, I tempt myself into the past, and I even try to bring that past into the future. I imagine him there, the best version of him I can remember: kind and caring and open and loving (because those things were there). And I erase in my mind all outside consequences of anything that might happen. I tell my heart it can do whatever it wants.

My heart beats wildly. But it's not joy, or love, or even lust. It's fear.

And I know there is no more temptation.
17 October 2005 @ 09:48 pm
Being disappointed by people may be the worst disappointment there is.

But, disappointment is borne out of expectation. Expectation is borne out of imagination. Imagining someone to be something they are not is the fault of the imaginer, not the imagined.

But sad, nonetheless, to realize that the imagined is truly only imaginary.

Current Mood: waking from a dream
08 October 2005 @ 07:20 pm
Once upon a time, there was a girl. The girl was broken. Just a little, and she was convinced that she was OK. So, she hobbled around, wincing at every step, saying to herself "I am OK, this will get better!" She came upon a boy. He was broken too. But he knew it. When the girl came upon him, he was in the process of having a few serious blows delivered. The girl, thinking she was Some Sort of Hero jumped in to try to prevent further damage. The girl was no doctor, but in addition to fancying herself Some Sort of Hero, she also thought she might have some sort of Magical Healing Skills. So, she set about bandaging the wounds. The boy started to feel a little better (as one does when they suddenly stop being beaten), even though the bandages the girl had used weren't sterile, and even though she had no Magical Healing Skills. The girl and the boy hobbled away, thinking they were safe. Neither the girl or the boy were Perfect, but they weren't Evil, either, so they were pretty sure they'd be OK. After a while, the girl realized that she was still broken, and so she set about trying to fix herself, too (with the Unmagical Unhealing Powers that she possesed), and continued to hobble around saying "I'm OK, this will get better." Meanwhile, she kept changing the bandages on the boy's seeping wounds. The wounds had gotten so bad, that Sharp Things had grown out of them, and the girl kept cutting herself as she tried to bandage them. The boy, by now, was getting a little annoyed that the girl didn't have the Magical Healing Powers that he, too, had been convinced she had, and wondered why it was that she kept limping wherever she went, and why her fingers were bleeding all the time now.

They were convinced, though, that everything was going to be OK. They might not be Perfect, but they knew they weren't Evil, so there was no reason that they shouldn't be able to be OK. So, they both took to trying to mend eachother, all the while using unsterile bandages and the wrong tools. They realized that they needed to sit down, and tried to carve themselves a bench. The knife they were using kept slipping and they kept cutting eachother accidentally. By now, they were bruised and bleeding and more broken than they were before. But they had Meant Well, so they couldn't understand how they had gotten this way.

It wasn't until after they both suffered complete amputations that they realized it wasn't working. They kept blaming eachother. The boy said "it's your fault I've lost my leg!" and the girl said back "well, I have lost my right arm, and that is because of you!" They kept screaming and their wounds kept festering until finally, at last, they both died.

The End
humanity is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator
26 September 2005 @ 09:50 pm
I made a statement here that we can only learn and grow through difficult experiences. I realize that it is not quite true. I think positive experiences, ones that we want and expect, are much less likely to offer profound change, but I think that they can. For example, a person who has had many repeatedly difficult times with relationships, may not be able to learn from more negative experiences, they have forgotten how to hear the lesson, after having their heart broken multiple times. They made need a little kick in the pants given by a good romantic experience to restore a belief that such things are possible. Sometimes, there are things that you can't imagine, ways of thinking that you can't get there until a good experience is able to pry open a closed heart. (Think of the grinch).

The thing that ties this sort of experience with the negative is that they are intense experiences. Experiences that knock you foo your feet, that change your life. The family you hadn't yet planned on having, but you wouldn't want to imagine yourself without. The face to face confrontation by wisdom. The new love. Or, the new opportunity made possible only by ripping away another in which you were discontent, but thought you wanted (oh, wait, but that one was bad, turned good...)

I guess the point is, good experiences and bad experiences are not always what they first appear to be, and are not necessarily that different. Losing a job (my dear yonica) may lead to a better job, another place, experiences of which you may never have dreamed. Falling in love could lead to heartwrenching pain. The big bucks could lean to lonliness, and rejection can lead to self-acceptance.

Eyes, ears, hands and heart must be open to accept the lesson, whatever it may be.
20 September 2005 @ 08:14 pm

LJ Interests meme results

  1. awareness:
    As far as I am concerned, this is what it is all about.
  2. being constructive:
    Even when you're goal is destructive (of a opressive regime, for example), it's possible to be constructive. What's the point of knocking something down if you can't put something beautiful in its place?
  3. boudicca:
    In AD 61, Boadicea (or Boudicca, or various spellings), Briton queen of the Iceni, led a rebellion against the Romans, destroying the three largest Roman cities in Britain.

    I've always liked the few women who really shook things up so much that they made it through male-dominated history to reach us. This woman kicked some Roman-Empire butt. That's a pretty big butt to kick, and a big enough humiliation that you could imagine it being supressed through the centuries between us.
  4. constructive criticism:
    Criticism is an important way to grow, but as in #2, what's the point if you're not trying to make things better? It's also important to hear criticism for what it is, accept it, and act constructively in response (even when the criticism is not given with a constructive spirit).
  5. feminism:
    We have so much to learn about ourselves and where we have come from, where we are, and where we should be. There has been a lot of progress in the feminist movement, including a few mis-steps, I would argue. It needs to continue as a productive dialogue, between women and men.
  6. humanity:
    We're all a part of it, it's a part of all of us. Understanding (known and verb) is key.
  7. kindness:
    How can we live--and how can we allow others to live--without it?
  8. love:
    "Here in this room, where the cost of light and heat is such a distraction from the things we really need...
    Love is everything, and everything's a distraction."
  9. reading:
    I am writing, after all... what is this, without that?
  10. secret declarations of love:
    Maybe the most beautiful declarations of love are the ones never meant to be heard or attributed.

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.

20 September 2005 @ 07:43 pm
Hypothesis: This is an educated guess based upon observation. It is a rational explanation of a single event or phenomenon based upon what is observed, but which has not been proved. Most hypotheses can be supported or refuted by experimentation or continued observation.

I have a new hypothesis. I don't know how to go about testing it. Maybe we could get together a big scientific trial, some statistical studies.

This hypothesis is based on how many good people I have seen tested lately. How many people I believe to be good acting out badly in response to troubled times, and how many people I believe to be not-so-good breezing through life with no problems and little consequence.

I think this could explain some of it:

I think that we who honestly wish to become better people are given the tools to make ourselves better. We can only improve, as human beings, through experiencing difficult times, right? Those born to power and never suffer fear change, fear pain, and act ruthlessly to protect themselves. Those who know their own strength, and their own weakness, those who have truly suffered and learned how to make it through without losing themselves, they are the good ones. There are countless examples. And it is not the fact that we have been through hard times, but again how we deal with those obstacles that causes us to grow.

I see these good, kind people suffering, and the only way I can justify it (if there is any cosmic order, anything besides random cruelty in this world), is that these people have asked to become better people, and what I am witnesing is the lessons that could help them along that road. Viewing my own distress with this perspective helps me to remember not to pity myself and to have a better (more enlightened?) attitude to what I am going through, and remember that there is a lesson here for me to learn.

Even if it is all random cruelty, there is still a lesson to be learned, an opportunity to improve myself. It doesn't so much matter if I'm getting it because I asked to be a better human being. I asked to be a better human being, so it is up to me (even if no one out there is really scoring me on my efforts) to respond appropriately, and learn what there is to learn.

Anyone want to join the scientific trial?